Sunday, September 27, 2009

I am Miss E.

Dear Reader,

I believe I'm experiencing "writer's blog", meaning I'm not quite sure what to write but feel that I should write something. I thought I might write something that would inspire deep thinking, something that would dig deep into your soul, perhaps something about love, about God, or about some kind of beautiful suffering that brings tears to your eyes. If I did this though, where would I begin? And for that matter, where would I end?

It's subjects like these that have kept the mortal mind occupied for eternities! Since the beginning of time man kind has been on the search. We have been explorers, hunters, and investigators, searching for love, searching for a "higher power", searching for beautiful touching things, searching for a meaning or a purpose. Where to find it? Where to look? What to look for?

Life can be quite a pickle.

What do I, Miss Ellaneous, a 14 year old girl in her first year of high school, know about life?

I've learned that there is always more to learn :)

Take age for example, I have learned that there are a few different kinds of aging.... For instance, my body may be 14 but I feel that I am much older. I don't really fit, I am Miss Ellaneous after all. Lots of times words come out of me and thoughts are born inside me that most people think belong in a "senior citizen". Then there is that thought. Are not all man created equal? Why should I be treated so differently because I am young? What I have done to be worthy of any kind of special treatment? I am a human, am I not?

Which brings me to this thought, many people have told me things like (or even exactly), "Someone Up Stairs owes you." or, "If anyone should get what they want, you should. You deserve it." They say these because I've experienced physical pain and sickness. They say these things because when kids tell me that they go to school I congratulate them on "living the dream".

That's all school has been to me for years, a dream. Other kids whine and throw their "School is a poopy place!" fits while I can only dream of getting to do what they do, of seeing friends everyday, of having someone repeat things over to me to "teach" them to me, of crushing on that cute guy with the gorgeous eyes and of letting my inner social butterfly out of the closet. Many people think I deserve these things, or at least deserve to be healthy, but really if you think about it, do I?

What have I done do deserve these wonderful things? Nothing out of my ordinary. What have I done to deserve any of these "terrible things"? Nothing out of my ordinary. Truth be told, I have just been myself my whole life. (Imagine that!) Some people may think, "This kid is amazing! This kid is inspirational! If only I had her strength!" Those people are very flattering, and to be honest I do enjoy hearing these things very much. However, please know that I've only been myself all these times. I haven't done anything to deserve anything and haven't done anything not to deserve anything. I've just tried to be the best me I could be, which really isn't all that special... Is it?

Simply, Miss Ellaneous


  1. Oh you are very special indeed. You have learned to live well and loving inspite of some very difficult events in your life. You have continually enjoyed life that has been challening with fun things you cannot do and painful things you must do on a regular basis. This, as you say, does not justify that you deserve anything because of your unchosen life situation. But truly, you are special because you have chosen to live fully, love wholly and share all you can with those around you. This is why you can inspire and you are special. Thank you for helping others do the same.

    Love, Your #1 Fan

  2. Well said #1 Fan! I don't know many people who think the way you do Miss E. It's pretty cool to be so inspiring just by being yourself!

    We had a party to celebrate Princesses last chemo tonight. We soooo wish you could have been there. We can't wait to celebrate with you when you are ready.

    P.S. We still aren't getting emails from your blog when you post something. We will check back regularly until we do.

  3. Thanks for the beautiful comments #1 and 2 Fans!

  4. Very profound email My Mary! You have been doing some nice, deep thinking. I like it.
    Much love!

  5. If you strive to be the best kind of you you can be, then that is special - if for no other reason than most people don't.

    As you know, I start from a different place when it comes to the idea of "deserves" - to me the universe is random, not divinely driven. As such we're lucky or we're not - we cannot control an awful lot about what happens to us.

    However, we can control how we respond to what happens.

    When the wave comes, we can be swept away or we can learn to surf.

    You are learning to surf, and that's what makes you special :)