Sunday, December 6, 2009

I'm confused.

Dear Reader,

Yesterday House told me that the plan was for me to go home today. So, I might be going home today, but I might not be to. Nothing is set in stone for me really...

Anyway, the lab came into my room this morning at 6am to turn on my light and wake me up, oh and to draw my blood too. This lab lady did a little better though, she didn't use the super bright light and she used a nice voice. It is a big improvement from turning on all my lights and saying, "Its time to draw your labs!" with no effort at gentleness or quietness. She did a good job.

So I was up a bit early because of my lab draw. I went to use the facility after she left and when I got back in bed I thought I might like to check my email. So, I got out my iTouch that my #2 Fans got my for my birthday and went to town. The only new message was from facebook saying that I have a friend request from a girl I used to go to school with, so I got out of "mail" and went to facebook and accepted.

I was snooping around her facebook page, you know, checking it out. I hadn't seen the girl since two years ago in the 7th grade. I was reading her info, and well, it made me upset. So, that is why I'm on here and not sleeping.

In her info it basically tells her name, says she "took my first brath of polluted air in america" 14 years ago, currently lives in "this piece of crap they call a state, florida", and has a simple life that includes "guy troubles, parent troubles, sibling troubles..... the usual". I just found that upsetting.

After reading this, I turned off my toy and tried to go back to sleep, but was unsuccessful. I kept thinking about that girl and about Big Wig's son who is here on 2SW right now.

Big Wig is the mother of another transplant kid on the floor. Her son is older than me. She is code-named Big Wig because she likes big wigs and wants to wear them. Her son is here on the floor right now. He just got moved here from the ICU.

He got transplanted after me, so I'm farther post transplant than him. His donor was his brother though, and he was considerably farther along in recovery from his transplant than I was. He was already going and doing a lot of things, and had energy a lot of the time. He had two types of cancer before his BMT (bone marrow transplant). One was a solid tumor one and one was the kind that a BMT would cure.

I think I'll code-name him Iron Man. Last time he was in ICU he hadn't slept in so long, so they game him drugs to induce sleep. It made him have crazy dreams and apparently he was a contestant with his brother on an show where you compete to become the "iron man". Plus, I think he is really a real "iron man" of sorts, I mean he seems to have that air about him.

When we got to clinic the day I was admitted, Agent 99 asked us if we had talked to Big Wig recently. We said, "No. How is she? Is something wrong with Iron Man?" She told us that he was in the hospital, and we could ask Big Wig about it once we got here. Mom asked if it was good or not and by the way Agent 99 said, "No." you could tell that it wasn't.

Iron Man is on the floor now, they brought him up from the ICU a couple days ago. His solid tumors are back. They are on his spine and they are growing super duper fast. The medical professionals are saying that "It's not good." Its the kind of not good that has the nurses tearing up in the hallways and makes them go silent when you enter their area. The doctors told Big Wig that if they choose not to treat, they could send Iron Man home and he might have a month.

Iron Man can't walk anymore because of the tumors, but he is the Iron Man. Apparently he doesn't feel like giving up yet, he wasn't to fight. So, I'm not really all that worried about him. He's not going yet. People seem to know when it gets close to their time (especially kids) and Iron Man really doesn't seem to have that "Its my time." thing going on. My dad says (when he's having one of those "I'm the epitome of wisdom." moments) that you never die until you lose the will to live, and Iron Man seems to be far from losing that.

Anyway, so I was thinking about Iron Man and about that girl. If the air is so polluted and Florida is such a "piece of crap", then just... Well what is her problem?!?! What is wrong with people!?!?! Why can't they see the beauty in things, or be thankful or something? Why is everything in their lives so terrible and how come everything "sucks" or is "retarded"? Its not! And it just gets me.

One of the great things about being a human is the freedom. It's a big responsibility and all that, but we can make our own decisions and have that whole "free will" deal going on. She could leave anytime she wants to, and if it is so awful here, then why does she stay? You know what I'm saying? She doesn't have to live on earth if it is so polluted and poopish. She can leave if she really wants to, she has that choice. It would hurt those who love her, but if its so awful here and she would be happier somewhere else....

Iron Man doesn't think the air is dirty or the state is crappy, and people are telling him to pack his things and get ready to go......

I know I'm really strange in this area, I look at things totally different than most people, I know, but maybe you can understand. There is no doubt that Iron Man needs prayers, but in some ways he is a lot healthier than other people. I'll pray for them both, but I'm only worried about one.


  1. Thanks for praying for Iron Man and you are so right, he is a lot healthier in ways than the girl you mentioned. I hope you get to go home today.

  2. Amen sister. I know adults that have the same unhealthy mind. It is hard to see the world in a different light, and know others don't see the beauty we have. hugs and hope you feel better soon.

  3. Wow Mary Thank You! I have been in a really bad state of thinking lately. But just reading this has made me see "how important is it?" My life has changed dramatically in the last year and for me I get lost in the anger. But all I have to do is sit back and watch the smiles on my girls faces everyday and see God did us a favor. I once had a conversation with your mom that my life "problems don't compare to hers because mine aren't health related" and she said that just because they aren't doesn't make them less important just different. Thank you for putting my thinking back on track! You are an inspiration and I love you Mary!! :•)

  4. I am at a loss about what to say about Iron Man. I will pray for him and his family.

    I don't like negative people much either. Having a positive attitude and looking for the best in things make life so much more enjoyable. You helped us remember that when we were roommates in the hospital and you continue to remind us today.

    Eventually life challenges all of us (some earlier than others) and it is then when we learn the true character of people. You have passed your test (over and over)! Hopefully, the girl you are talking about will pass her test when she has bigger problems than living in Florida and dirty air.

  5. Hi Mary. Beautiful blog, especially the last line. Praying for you, and now praying for Iron Man and Big Wig also.
    Much love.

  6. Mary -

    I understand and will pray for both of them. But in a way, I think that girl needs more prayer. She'll probably be "stuck" here a lot longer than Iron Man (unfortunately). Maybe this is her purgatory - at least until she can find the good in what is here. You, my friend, have a wisdom that few achieve - regardless of age.

  7. Beautiful Mary,
    You are wise beyond your years. I am fortunate to know you and your mom in spite of our circumstances. I can't wait for "Iron Man" to wake up from his anesthesia and let him know that he will most likely be a famous character when you devise a plan to sell your writings into a series of books!

    Sadly, the young girl is a picture of most of young Americans. What is even more sad is that it is my generation as well. We have never experienced hard times. No real sacrifices to understand the true freedom we have. We have a host of complainers who represent the "I" generation. In a way we are fortunate to have been excluded from the rat be in a situation where we understand what is truly important.

    Thank-you and all your readers for the prayers.

    Big Wig and Iron Man

  8. I'm so glad you liked it, Big Wig. I was really hoping you would. I hope Iron Man likes his code-name.

  9. Oh! And thanks to everyone for the comments and prayers too! It was so great to get all these comments.